oh yeah, i'm really free now. yeah, i'm not kidding. and i'm not even talking about the fact that i don't have much to do now these days, since i do have things to actually keep me occupied. like, since i'm so free, why would i be up now? and it's almost 1 am, for your info. now, who in their free mind would stay up so late?

well, my kick-ass and smart brother realised he didn't have any school shirts left. at what time? 12 pm, when i'm usually done for the day and toddling off to bed after csi and cold case night. i say, that crashlanding from yesterday, when he literally rolled out of a closet (the band room stand cupboard, to be exact) that's slightly higher up than me i think (quite obvious why i called him kickass, boy that would have been quite a show hahaha), probably did more damage than the scab on his lip. *does mild strangling action in mid air* oh well, all the more reason to make him my personal slave for the rest of week or something. but at the rate he moves (including his homework), i'll probably get more things done myself.

oh well, so much for the rant. it's probably good time for me as well, since the rest of the world sleeps (excluding my msn list for onliners, of course) and all is silent, and i can hear myself think. too bad the buses don't seem to stop coming and the road outside my house seems to be filled with the harley davidson gang or something. no kidding, i saw them once before. well, maybe it wasn't harley davidson, maybe it was just a honda or a motorised bicycle or something, but nevermind...

so, the days have been eventful and full of learning haha. somehow, discussing our reactions to deceit / being cheated with my s4g pricked something that didn't get pricked during leaders' meeting. maybe because my group's very quiet *hint hint hint* and i was doing a lot of talking, but i think i was more willing to share somewhat. then i read what markky markky chan (haha) has to say. if i may quote:

"forgive and forget?
they're really the same.
you can't accomplish one,
without first doing the other."

man! *rubs self* God! stop poking me! ouch! it hurts! ow! *rubs self more* okay okay, i get the point. sigh, i'm usually not one to hold grudges for so long, so much so that that event particularly surprised me, especially how i dealt with it. well, at least something positive came out of it: i was so motivated to beat that person at o's, i probably studied way harder then i would have and beat her by like, 10 points. ha! take that, and that! and that! *pokes* okay okay, no more getting back.

now i wonder to myself, was i wrong in getting even that way? or was i even getting even? i probably made an enemy out of that person, which is wrong in the beginning, but did i get even? there's definitely no such thing as positively getting even / white lie / doing wrong for right. but at least it gave me some drive to go study and get my ass into a good junior college. but was it right? the result was great, the after-feeling was just... flat. not exactly some triumph or victory. not the way i wanted it to feel like.

i think that's why i still can't go for all those class reunions (apart from the fact that it always falls on some day when i have something else already planned, or maybe that's just a lame excuse). forgiven, but can't really forget. sure, i've put what was done behind me, but i still remember the whole events. if i saw her down the street, i probably would show some form of recognition but i won't run up and say hi in a very warm manner. and during the leaders' meeting, this struck me as strange. no one could recall anytime when they had been backstabbed / cheated / didn't get what they felt they deserved. but i could. clear as day (one without haze).

my mum keeps telling me to go for one of those class reunions (i think she's given up now), but then again, she doesn't know the whole story because if i did tell her the whole story, she'd probably scold me for being so stupid and i'd be in even more trouble with her hurhur. grace never gives up telling me when's the next class reunion. jiayi once told me a loooong time ago she never really understood, but she was sorry it ever happened. how can anyone forget about audrey, ee li and shirlynn, who were the ones who told me everything i should have realised and known. and i guess, it's these people who've made it all better. thanks you all (:

so, am i any clearer about my stand about what i did to forgive, forget, getting even, etc. etc.? nope. well, some excess baggage from the good ole girl school days i guess. but soon enough, i hope, i wish, i can give it all to Him. just like the prayer which i put at the end of all my entries, but somehow forgot about them. of which markky markky chan (haha) just graciously reminded me of:

"Give me strength to cross the water, keep my heart upon Your altar. Give me strength to cross this water, keep my feet don't let me falter."

-Rain Down, by Delirious

to remind me it was all for Him, especially after i'd thought once about what had happened. well, if only i'd forget the right things =/

well, in more positive news, or rather, more interesting news than a peek into my brain (if there still is one). yes, you nosey people! a peek into my life is more interesting, believe it or not! okay okay... it's the laundry that's awaiting, and the sound that there may actually be bats (markky, i'm sure this entire entry has a lot to do with you, what with bats, quoting your wise words) out along my balcony tonight. *does mild strangling action in mid air again*

yes, moving along rapidly... i cooked my family's dinner for the past 2 nights. whoopee for me! and no one got poisoned, and everyone loved it (: so i can cook, alright? this domestication period is actually giving me some life skills. like cooking. like doing the laundry (albeit not in the middle of the night, that's abnormal). like the ironing (albeit not early in the morning at like 6am, because my brother has school, and that's like another 4 and a half hours away, wow).

wah, i'm so irritating this entire entry, i can't even stand myself haha. then again, i'm sitting down, so...

well, whaddya know, the washing machine's stopped.

if those motorbike people pass, they'll be wondering who's this *adds simon cowell british accent* absolute idiot doing the laundry at this time of the night / morning. or why she's doing it with her eyes half-closed. must be some killer maria who die die wants to impress her employer or something.

*does mild strangling action in mid air yet again*